Forgiveness: Taking Back Your Power and Choosing to Heal
As I write this, I know that some situations can appear unforgivable. There are people who have hurt us deeply, and there may be times when we feel that they do not deserve our forgiveness.
But forgiveness is not for the offender. Forgiveness is for the person who was offended.
I’m writing this because I see so many people who remain stuck in anger, resentment, bitterness, difficulty trusting others, or even difficulty trusting themselves. Sometimes, underneath all of that pain, there is a hurt, wound, or offense that has never been fully processed or forgiven.
When that wound remains unhealed, it can continue to affect how we experience our lives and relationships.
The difficult truth is that we don't want our healing to be contingent upon the person who hurt us.
We cannot always wait for an apology. We cannot wait for someone to acknowledge what they did and we cannot base our healing on whether another person responds the way we believe they should.
It may not be fair, but we have the ability to choose to heal.
You deserve to reach a place where another person's actions no longer have power and control over your emotional well-being.
Forgiveness Is a Process
So often in my practice, people recognize that they need to forgive someone, but I hear things like:
"I'm not ready."
"I'm trying."
"I'm praying and asking God to help me forgive this person."
I understand, forgiveness is not a one-time decision, and it is certainly not a superficial act.
For some wounds, forgiveness is a process.
Over time, I have developed a process to help people work through forgiveness in a way that allows them to acknowledge what happened, recognize its impact, and begin moving toward healing.
The Goals of Forgiveness
There are three areas I encourage people to work through:
Forgiving the actions and behaviors
Forgiving the emotional impact the offense had at the time
Forgiving the emotional impact the offense has continued to have
To begin, you will need three note cards for each wound or offense you are working through.
Step One: Identify What Happened
On the first card, identify what the person did.
Write down their behaviors, their words, their actions, or whatever occurred that caused the wound.
Try to be specific and factual.
Step Two: Identify the Emotional Impact at the Time
On the second card, write down the emotional impact the offense had on you at the time it happened.
I recommend using actual feeling words.
Were you hurt? Angry? Afraid? Betrayed? Rejected? Humiliated? Abandoned? Confused?
Give yourself permission to identify what you genuinely felt.
Step Three: Identify the Continuing Impact
On the third card, write down the emotional impact the offense has continued to have on you.
How has it affected you since the original event?
Has it affected your relationships? Your ability to trust? Your confidence? Your perception of yourself? Your perception of other people or the world around you?
These first three steps can be extremely difficult because you are intentionally bringing your attention back to something that hurt you.
But consider this: if you are still carrying unforgiveness, you may already be replaying and re-experiencing aspects of that wound.
You deserve the opportunity to heal rather than continue carrying the emotional weight of what someone else did.
Step Four: Create Three Piles
Now take your cards and create three piles:
Will be easy to forgive
Difficult to forgive
Feels impossible to forgive
Don't judge yourself for where you place something.
This is simply about recognizing where you are right now.
Step Five: Begin With What Feels Easier
Start with the pile that feels easiest to forgive.
Take one card at a time and speak your forgiveness out loud. (Proverbs 18:12)
There is research supporting the importance of language and the way our brains respond to the words we speak and hear. So, as you work through this process, I encourage you to use your voice.
Make the words your own.
I often like to begin with:
"By an act of my will, I choose to forgive __________."
You may also want to add a reason why you are choosing to forgive.
For example:
"I no longer want you to have an effect on my life."
"I am tired of carrying the baggage that was placed on me."
"You may not deserve my forgiveness, but I deserve to be free from carrying this."
Forgiveness does not mean that what happened was okay.
It does not mean you have to trust the person again.
It does not mean you have to restore a relationship.
It does not mean there should be no consequences for harmful behavior.
Forgiveness means choosing not to allow the offense to continue controlling your life.
Step Six: Repeat the Process
Repeat your statement every day until you begin to believe it.
And be patient with yourself.
You may discover that something you originally placed in the "easy" pile now feels much more difficult. You may also discover that something you thought would be impossible to forgive has become easier over time.
That's okay.
Reassess your piles as you go. They may move and change as you heal.
Step Seven: Release the Card
When you reach a place where you genuinely feel a sense of release, get rid of the card.
For some people, physically destroying the card can be therapeutic.
As you tear it up, throw it away, or otherwise dispose of it, you might say:
"You no longer have power or authority over me."
Then repeat Steps Five through Seven with the offenses in the difficult to forgive pile.
Once you have worked through those, move to the feels impossible to forgive pile.
And again, work through Steps Five through Seven.
You Are Worth the Work
Make no mistake: this is not an easy, step-one, two, three process.
It is often much easier to hold onto a grudge, resentment, or unforgiveness than it is to do the deeper work of healing.
But healing requires courage.
And you are worth the work.
There is also no time limit.
Some wounds take longer than others. Some offenses may require repeated processing, and some experiences are deeply complicated.
You can work through these steps on your own, but you don't have to.
Sometimes having a counselor walk alongside you can provide a safe place to process the emotions, beliefs, and patterns connected to the wound.
Forgiveness is not about saying, "What happened to me didn't matter."
It mattered.
But what happened to you does not have to determine what happens next.
You deserve to heal.
You deserve freedom.
And you deserve to live your life without allowing someone else's actions to continue holding power over you.